Who in your life have you stopped being curious about? Maybe it’s the relative whose politics you can predict before they open their mouth, the coworker whose tone always gets under your skin, or the neighbor you’ve waved to for years without ever learning their name. I know how quickly I can go from noticing one thing about somebody to deciding I know who they are. And once I’ve made up my mind, I’m pretty good at finding evidence that I’m right.
This Sunday at Unity San Francisco, my friend Suzanne Ford, executive director of San Francisco Pride, will share what she’s learned about building bridges. In a version of this talk she gave at Unity in Marin, Suzanne told a story about buying a home with her wife, Beverly, on a small island in Washington. She wondered how the neighbors would respond to a trans woman moving in. One of the first things that happened? A neighbor came over to help her get the water running. Over time, there were boat rides and conversations around the fire pit. They discovered they cared about the same lake and the same mountain. And the neighbors got to know Suzanne.
I love the ordinariness of that story. A neighbor helps with a water pump. People spend enough time together to hear each other’s stories. That’s one way our Unity teaching about Oneness becomes something we can actually practice. We can stand up when someone’s dignity is attacked and still ask an honest question when there’s room for a conversation. We can speak clearly about what needs to change and leave room for someone to surprise us. And sometimes the person who changes is us.
So here’s my invitation. Think of one person you’ve already figured out. The next time you talk, ask them something you don’t already know the answer to. Then give yourself a chance to hear it.
Join Suzanne and me this Sunday, November 15, at 11 a.m. Pacific at Unity San Francisco, in person or online. Bring someone you’d love to hear more from. You might have a different conversation on the way home.
Rev. Ken
Spiritual Practices:
1. Catch My Assumption
When I hear myself think, “I know exactly why they did that,” I pause. I ask, “What did I actually see or hear? What did I fill in?” I leave room for one thing I might learn.
2. Ask for the Story
I ask someone, “What was that like for you?” I let them finish before I offer advice, share my own experience, or decide what their story means. If I’m curious, I ask one more question.
3. Speak Up with Care
When a comment diminishes someone, I take a breath and speak plainly. I might say, “That’s a stereotype,” or “I want to tell you how that landed for me.” When the conversation is safe and worthwhile, I give the other person room to respond.
4. Make the First Move
I take one concrete step toward someone I’d like to know better. I learn a neighbor’s name, invite a coworker to coffee, or call someone I’ve drifted away from. I choose a step I can take this week and put it on my calendar.